Sigh...

I wish someone would ngaw me too.. I wish someone would try to make it up to me too... but I am the only one who does everything and deserves nothing...

And all I can do..

is cry alone..

My life

My whole life, I feel like I had to try to fit it. No matter what groups I join or how many people I hang out with, I still never felt 100 percent comfortable or felt like I fit in. I had a best friend but it still didn't feel like someone I could talk to and III t everything. Then when we got together.. all those thoughts  weren't even in my mind. I feel comfortable telling you everything .. I feel comfortable being around you. I never have to think about how to act or say around you. I do and say what I want. You always accept me. I always want to make you smile, I always want to make you happy, and I always want to make you feel lucky... I just always fail to do so..  I wish and pray.. that I will be able to satisfy you... I think about my past, and there are so many thongs that I wished I could do differently.. I can understand why you wouldn't want to Be with me anymore.. I see all the things you say about me.. I always wish it will be different , but my rate of change is too slow... I daydream about our future. Many different lives many scenarios... the only scenario that deeply hurts me to see is one without you.. Just writing this makes me feel like my heart ripped in two and fell straight  down to my stomach. Just the thought of it brings so much pain.. I can only imagine how painful it would really be.. I plan to become famous continue school and make slot of money. I plan to have a wedding thug Thai talk shows and news will come video tape and talk about. And I know they will all say how beautiful you are.. I know you alerts want to go out with others..  and I don't like it when it happens.. but I know I have no right to say anything. Sometimes I wish you knew how happy you make me. I wish you knew how wonderful you are. I wish you knew how perfect you are to me..  I feel so powerless.. I told you to go to Thailand cause I thought you would be happy.. it didn't matter how lonely I felt.  How much pain it would cause.. I was so excited the month was finally over and you came back .... I don't know why my life is so hard.. I want to die.. I see your FBI posts.. and it just makes me cry... I am tearing up at the car place.. I should stop typing..

Failure

I wish I could do more.. I wish I could do so many things..
I just wonder when I will finally die...