Sigh...

I wish someone would ngaw me too.. I wish someone would try to make it up to me too... but I am the only one who does everything and deserves nothing...

And all I can do..

is cry alone..

My life

My whole life, I feel like I had to try to fit it. No matter what groups I join or how many people I hang out with, I still never felt 100 percent comfortable or felt like I fit in. I had a best friend but it still didn't feel like someone I could talk to and III t everything. Then when we got together.. all those thoughts  weren't even in my mind. I feel comfortable telling you everything .. I feel comfortable being around you. I never have to think about how to act or say around you. I do and say what I want. You always accept me. I always want to make you smile, I always want to make you happy, and I always want to make you feel lucky... I just always fail to do so..  I wish and pray.. that I will be able to satisfy you... I think about my past, and there are so many thongs that I wished I could do differently.. I can understand why you wouldn't want to Be with me anymore.. I see all the things you say about me.. I always wish it will be different , but my rate of change is too slow... I daydream about our future. Many different lives many scenarios... the only scenario that deeply hurts me to see is one without you.. Just writing this makes me feel like my heart ripped in two and fell straight  down to my stomach. Just the thought of it brings so much pain.. I can only imagine how painful it would really be.. I plan to become famous continue school and make slot of money. I plan to have a wedding thug Thai talk shows and news will come video tape and talk about. And I know they will all say how beautiful you are.. I know you alerts want to go out with others..  and I don't like it when it happens.. but I know I have no right to say anything. Sometimes I wish you knew how happy you make me. I wish you knew how wonderful you are. I wish you knew how perfect you are to me..  I feel so powerless.. I told you to go to Thailand cause I thought you would be happy.. it didn't matter how lonely I felt.  How much pain it would cause.. I was so excited the month was finally over and you came back .... I don't know why my life is so hard.. I want to die.. I see your FBI posts.. and it just makes me cry... I am tearing up at the car place.. I should stop typing..

Failure

I wish I could do more.. I wish I could do so many things..
I just wonder when I will finally die...

Trying to study.

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for posting in this blog with me. I know you don't like writing, but I really like to read what you have to say. Sometimes it's easier to say things in writing than to say it in person. And when it's quiet, it's easier to sort out your thoughts when you're alone.

I started trying out this trial app for NCLEX questions. It had only 25 questions. I did really poorly on it...

Now isn't that sad?

Sigh... Am I gonna fail the NCLEX? I wonder where everyone else in the class is at.

I'm also worried that no one, not even your mom can help me get a job. I don't have much experience. I have Lucy for like 2 years, but... I don't think it's enough to work in the ICU.

The teachers will try their best to put each of us on a unit that we want to be in. But every one wants to be in ICU! What am I gonna do? Everyone wants ICU because it's hard and can be the root that helps you earn the most money in the end. Only John seems to be the only one who's sure he wants nothing but ER. Some moms want to do maternal-newborn. Maybe one person in oncology. Verionique mentioned ICU and psych. Well, I want psych too. The reason I might want to do psych this quarter is so I can know more of what they actually do because I don't think I learned much at Patton State Hospital (aka Highland Insane Asylum in the past). But they say if we do things like psych, we don't get experience with all those skills we've been trying to learn in school, so if we wanted to move anywhere else, it would be extremely hard. Psych wouldn't be the right thing to start with... Same goes for being an OR nurse. Why do I have to want the jobs that make it hard to move anywhere else? But then again, is it really likely for me to land in a field and want to move somewhere else just to learn something new? I'm not the adventurous type anyway.

Problem is, I don't know what I really want. I want to grow old (with you) and be an old nurse with decades of experience and be able to tell amazing stories to students. I want to be an expert at everything I'm doing and do it with confidence. I want to be a friendly nurse who knows all the facts so I can tell the students if I get paired up with one.

Let's not even think about that right now... Okay, what I'm scared of is that this is my last quarter to be a student nurse. I can be dumb and it's okay. But after this... They'll expect me to know everything. I'm so scared. How can we know everything right out of school? We hardly get anywhere near enough experience in school.

The hospitals want an experienced nurse, but there are no places that want to hire us to give us any experience.

WTF.

All I'm hoping right now is for your mo to help me. Then maybe my life would be perfect... But she probably can't because I'm sure most of my life depends on how good I am.

I'm no good.

And thank you for playing with StreamZoo with me. I'm sorry I haven't posted much yet.

Day 2 of my days as a Monk

I wake up again at 5:30 am. Went to wash my face, then trying to get my outfit on without messing up. It takes a while to "Suit up" in monk uniform. Morning prayer you have to wear everything. I walk to the temple and one of the elder monks invite me to do walking meditation before going in. We circled around the temple about three times as he explains how I should breathe in thinking "Poot" and breathe out thinking "Toh". Then we went in and started morning chants. The hardest part about morning and evening chants is the position i have to stay in. I am not able to do it cause it hurts the front of my legs and most of the time my legs go numb or start to hurt. So I have to move around a lot. I was able to chant more than the first evening and was able to sort of catch up to the other monks pace.

After morning chants, I had breakfast with the other monks. The person gave me kao tom pla (Fish Rice Porridge). I then listened to the two elder monks talk to each other about how to teach other people and then it turned into a boasting competition. I then went to my room and messaged Juntra. She finally replied back and my worries started to go away slowly. We talked and everything felt better. I found out that we had the same feeling in our chest without talking to each other. I went to eat and there were a lot of people. the offering of food took forever. The monks and I had only little time to eat before the time reached 12. While walking back the mentor monk asked me if I have started cleaning yet. So this was the first time I started cleaning at the temple. I sweep the leaves and things around our dwelling area with another monk. then the other teacher monk asked us to throw away the dead branches and leaves  that he cut off the tree. The branches and leaves were hard and cut me alot

Inner Truths.

You don't realize how hard it is.. You say you wish you were the man.. you wish you were buad. It is so hard.. I have to try to be tough no matter how sad I am. I have so many "duties" I am "suppose" to do. I LOVE YOU.. I never did anything wrong.. always being good. why is life so hard. the only good part is when they monks said it will work out. Made me have more purpose. I never want to make you cry.. never.. my thoughts are just so jumbled up.. I don't even have the will to make this have any organization or anything.. All I know is I need you.. I feel ugly.. I feel not wanted.. Do you still want me.. I day dream and day dream and day dream.. about you coming up to me in front of other guys. and giving me a hug.. but in my fantasy it was more like a kiss.. But yea.. sigh.. I see you and you are so beautiful.. and then I see your dad staring at me.. I was like .. I just want to say what the fuck do you want? And the second time I felt like saying What the fuck do you want was when arthur kept trying to talk to me like nothing happened. I acted like nothing happened when... I am too nice. But you don't know how many people bullshit to you about me. Cause I probably just seem like that. I dont know.. I am in this mess of a room.. I don't have a spot to sleep. I don't feel like picking crap up. Just want to cry.. why wont you reply.. I'll be the man.. and I will patiently wait.. wait.. wait.. I slept so early as a monk cause I wanted time to go by the longer i sit there and do nothing the more i feel hurt... the more I think about you.. the more I miss you.. the more I want to be with you.. Sherry.. I love you.... why don't you want other people to know we are together... Is it just my dream that you will come to me.. in front of everyone. I know if I go up to you .. you will get mad at me.. so I was just like whatever.... I just am fantasizing about you tommorow.. you loving me.. you wanting to be with me.. I am just fantasizing all day.. am I getting lost in this illusion or are you a reality... my thoughts are all jumbled.... I just need your attention....