Trying to study.

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for posting in this blog with me. I know you don't like writing, but I really like to read what you have to say. Sometimes it's easier to say things in writing than to say it in person. And when it's quiet, it's easier to sort out your thoughts when you're alone.

I started trying out this trial app for NCLEX questions. It had only 25 questions. I did really poorly on it...

Now isn't that sad?

Sigh... Am I gonna fail the NCLEX? I wonder where everyone else in the class is at.

I'm also worried that no one, not even your mom can help me get a job. I don't have much experience. I have Lucy for like 2 years, but... I don't think it's enough to work in the ICU.

The teachers will try their best to put each of us on a unit that we want to be in. But every one wants to be in ICU! What am I gonna do? Everyone wants ICU because it's hard and can be the root that helps you earn the most money in the end. Only John seems to be the only one who's sure he wants nothing but ER. Some moms want to do maternal-newborn. Maybe one person in oncology. Verionique mentioned ICU and psych. Well, I want psych too. The reason I might want to do psych this quarter is so I can know more of what they actually do because I don't think I learned much at Patton State Hospital (aka Highland Insane Asylum in the past). But they say if we do things like psych, we don't get experience with all those skills we've been trying to learn in school, so if we wanted to move anywhere else, it would be extremely hard. Psych wouldn't be the right thing to start with... Same goes for being an OR nurse. Why do I have to want the jobs that make it hard to move anywhere else? But then again, is it really likely for me to land in a field and want to move somewhere else just to learn something new? I'm not the adventurous type anyway.

Problem is, I don't know what I really want. I want to grow old (with you) and be an old nurse with decades of experience and be able to tell amazing stories to students. I want to be an expert at everything I'm doing and do it with confidence. I want to be a friendly nurse who knows all the facts so I can tell the students if I get paired up with one.

Let's not even think about that right now... Okay, what I'm scared of is that this is my last quarter to be a student nurse. I can be dumb and it's okay. But after this... They'll expect me to know everything. I'm so scared. How can we know everything right out of school? We hardly get anywhere near enough experience in school.

The hospitals want an experienced nurse, but there are no places that want to hire us to give us any experience.

WTF.

All I'm hoping right now is for your mo to help me. Then maybe my life would be perfect... But she probably can't because I'm sure most of my life depends on how good I am.

I'm no good.

And thank you for playing with StreamZoo with me. I'm sorry I haven't posted much yet.

Day 2 of my days as a Monk

I wake up again at 5:30 am. Went to wash my face, then trying to get my outfit on without messing up. It takes a while to "Suit up" in monk uniform. Morning prayer you have to wear everything. I walk to the temple and one of the elder monks invite me to do walking meditation before going in. We circled around the temple about three times as he explains how I should breathe in thinking "Poot" and breathe out thinking "Toh". Then we went in and started morning chants. The hardest part about morning and evening chants is the position i have to stay in. I am not able to do it cause it hurts the front of my legs and most of the time my legs go numb or start to hurt. So I have to move around a lot. I was able to chant more than the first evening and was able to sort of catch up to the other monks pace.

After morning chants, I had breakfast with the other monks. The person gave me kao tom pla (Fish Rice Porridge). I then listened to the two elder monks talk to each other about how to teach other people and then it turned into a boasting competition. I then went to my room and messaged Juntra. She finally replied back and my worries started to go away slowly. We talked and everything felt better. I found out that we had the same feeling in our chest without talking to each other. I went to eat and there were a lot of people. the offering of food took forever. The monks and I had only little time to eat before the time reached 12. While walking back the mentor monk asked me if I have started cleaning yet. So this was the first time I started cleaning at the temple. I sweep the leaves and things around our dwelling area with another monk. then the other teacher monk asked us to throw away the dead branches and leaves  that he cut off the tree. The branches and leaves were hard and cut me alot

Inner Truths.

You don't realize how hard it is.. You say you wish you were the man.. you wish you were buad. It is so hard.. I have to try to be tough no matter how sad I am. I have so many "duties" I am "suppose" to do. I LOVE YOU.. I never did anything wrong.. always being good. why is life so hard. the only good part is when they monks said it will work out. Made me have more purpose. I never want to make you cry.. never.. my thoughts are just so jumbled up.. I don't even have the will to make this have any organization or anything.. All I know is I need you.. I feel ugly.. I feel not wanted.. Do you still want me.. I day dream and day dream and day dream.. about you coming up to me in front of other guys. and giving me a hug.. but in my fantasy it was more like a kiss.. But yea.. sigh.. I see you and you are so beautiful.. and then I see your dad staring at me.. I was like .. I just want to say what the fuck do you want? And the second time I felt like saying What the fuck do you want was when arthur kept trying to talk to me like nothing happened. I acted like nothing happened when... I am too nice. But you don't know how many people bullshit to you about me. Cause I probably just seem like that. I dont know.. I am in this mess of a room.. I don't have a spot to sleep. I don't feel like picking crap up. Just want to cry.. why wont you reply.. I'll be the man.. and I will patiently wait.. wait.. wait.. I slept so early as a monk cause I wanted time to go by the longer i sit there and do nothing the more i feel hurt... the more I think about you.. the more I miss you.. the more I want to be with you.. Sherry.. I love you.... why don't you want other people to know we are together... Is it just my dream that you will come to me.. in front of everyone. I know if I go up to you .. you will get mad at me.. so I was just like whatever.... I just am fantasizing about you tommorow.. you loving me.. you wanting to be with me.. I am just fantasizing all day.. am I getting lost in this illusion or are you a reality... my thoughts are all jumbled.... I just need your attention....

Married Life

Fantasizing nonstop about what life would be like being married to you. I want this life so much...

Last full day.

I can't believe we're almost done. It's your last full day of being a monk! I hope you have learned a lot from your experience, and maybe you'll want to teach me some of the profound things you've learned during your spiritual journey.

Honestly, I can't wait for your return to being human again. I really do miss you so much. I'm sitting here, waiting to work at Daddy's work.

I love this iPad keyboard. It's excellent.

I have yet to show my dad my Disneyland pictures. I spent this morning on my dad's computer trying to look up places that know about slide film. I suppose I should just tell the lab to process it like any other film before there is anymore confusion.

When I went to the photo lab yesterday, Ike, the guy at the lab, forgot two of my rolls. I called him to let him know so I might pick them up later today if it's still open. I doubt I'd get back home in time. Maybe Saturday (tomorrow). I really want to see how the pictures of you as a "naag" turned out from my La Sardina. I'm sure you looked beautiful.

I really think you are beautiful...in every way. You are.

You are like an angel that was sent down to earth to love and protect me.

Thank you so much. I am so thankful for everything that you do for me. All the thanks in the world will never be enough.

I did well today.

I'm so happy that I was better today. I didn't cry at all. I did tear up and get frustrated in the morning, but you kept me sane. Thank you so much for keeping me company. I don't know how much worse things could have been if you weren't around to talk to me, or listen to me.

You really are so amazing. You really are.

I guess I better sleep soon. Gotta be at Daddy's work tomorrow, and we're having left over pizza for lunch.

Oh, and I really loved how our roll of film turned out so great! The other rolls just can't compare! Why is it that everything with you around happens so perfectly? Because you are perfect! Thank you!!!

I hope you are resting well. We will get through this.

I do miss you..... so much.

Hope this night goes better.

Guess what? I haven't cried at all today. Thank you for all your help. I think starting off my morning right and being able to talk to you and Yasyn helped.

Thank you.

I hope you're sleeping well.

Thank you for everything.

Kundalini Yoga, Meditation and Prayer

I just finished 75 minutes of Kundalini Yoga. And I feel very positive and energetic right now, like I can do anything. I think I might last a long time today. I hope the positivities last all day too.

Thank you for inspiring me to meditate. I know this is a bit different, because I'm not sitting still like you would be. This entire session was basically all meditation. I enjoyed doing this a lot more than the first time I did this. We did a lot of breathing exercises. I have a hard time with breathing. I always end up breathing in too fast, then end up holding my breath. I'm supposed to breathe in slowly and exhale slowly.

There weren't very many physical exercises involved in this. This is very simple stuff, but I can't say it's all easy. I'm concentrating on leading every move with my breaths, because that's supposed to be the priority. A lot of twists and turns, and and rapid breathing. Today, I went at my own pace. I didn't want to get light-headed like I did years ago. I got tingly a lot, and if I couldn't handle it, I'd sit and rest and start again.

The beginning was all breathing and meditation. We said some phrases aloud. This is how we "tune in" to our inner strength and inspired self. "Ong namo guru dev namo." It means "I call on my higher self to help me do my best."

Then we quietly meditate, and we do this between each exercise. We say a mantra quietly in our minds, "Sat nam." "Sat" when we breathe in, and "nam" when we exhale. It means "the truth within you". Even though we close our eyes during this, our eyes are supposed to look up towards the brow.

Maybe you've heard of all these words before and you know what they mean already!

I think we're supposed to do the entire session with our eyes closed. Like 99% of it. Of course I had to peek sometimes because there were some things I weren't sure how to do. This is like... a 75 minute meditation.

Oh, I loved the end of the session. We did a much longer meditation (it started feeling really long, but wasn't too bad, 'cuz I was really trying my best. If I did well, it shouldn't feel long, right?). After meditating more, we ended with some prayer. I loved how they suggested we pray for someone we know. I put all my power into praying for the person I love most. I prayed to give him strength to be strong and positive for the rest of the week. I hope he feels the warmth and love that I send to him.

I'm starting to like this kind of yoga now. It just seems like the world is coming together so well right now. I know I've been sad a lot lately, but I know that you going into monk hood is a great thing, and it is something that is supposed to help both of us in life. I think this will strengthen our relationship. It's like a test of some sort.

I believe in you. Stay strong, positive and confident. I know you will get through this. Forgive me if I ever make it hard for you. I want to help you so much. I'll try to be positive for you. We'll get through this just fine! It'll be over quick!

I can't wait for your return.

Dreamt of orange juice.

I remembered some of my dreams when I woke up this morning. I was squeezing orange juice. I had little oranges or tangerines, and I would squeeze them using two devices. One of the devices looked like a very elongated orange. It was hollow inside, and worked like a syringe, but it was made of real orange peel; a hollow orange. Just weird. I also dreamed before that. It had something to do with a movie that involved my dad's class in elementary. I don't know anything about my dad's school years. And my mom is the one who makes orange juice every morning in the weekends. In my dream, in the movie, the kids from the Thai elementary school were playing in a pond of water.

That's all I remember. It was weird.

I stayed in bed for a while, picked up my iPad, and opened up the Flipboard app. I searched for "Tirabaedya" and went to your Facebook page and flipped through all the pictures and videos. I went to the two YouTube channels that would have you in it, and watched some of the videos. It made me happy. I love watching you. I especially loved watching the video where you were overseeing the Miss Thai Town girls while they were rehearsing at your house. It made me happy to see you in a leadership position - you were the one who choreographed the dance - you took care of a lot of things for that event. I am so proud of you. You do so much. I can't even be a leader yet. I need to be. You inspire me. I want to be better like you.

I've just brushed my hair, brushed my teeth and changed into workout clothes. I don't know if I can concentrate enough to sit still and do a Buddhist meditation like you do everyday, but I do want to try some kind of meditation. I remember I had a Kundalini Yoga video that I used only once. It had a lot of meditation involved. We sit cross-legged and we actually say words in a different language. And we do it with our eyes closed.

It's probably not the same as your meditation, but I think I will start off my morning with Kundalini Yoga. I am hoping it will put my day on a good start. I'll do it before doing anything else today. That means I'll go downstairs and start now.

Thank you for reading.

Grieving over his death.

As I cry and looked through his profile pics on Facebook, I feel it's as if the love of my life died... And is never coming back. I'll never get him back. If he does come back, what if he is never the same person? What if he hates me?

I'll never be a good person like him. Everybody loves him.

I want love too.

For a split-second, I think I might have welcomed extreme, excruciating pain. I know I deserve it.

Enduring another long, lonely night.

Here I am, writing again. I'm writing so much. I write so you can read. I hope you do. All I can do is hope that you want to read what I write. Is it too much? Am I boring you? I will never know.

Right now I feel so down... so hurt. I also feel upset, and I feel like crying.

I just finished watching Cabin in the Woods with my dad. It was a horror movie. Some parts were just gory and stupid. People on the VuDu community seemed to like it, according to the stars.

I was at the gym today, and I felt so down. I didn't want to do anything...anything at all. I felt just slightly better after dancing with the PS3 Move, but even I was extremely tired and had a lack of energy even doing that. It was nowhere near as fun as when I played it the first time on Sunday.

I can't help but miss the only and only man I love. I miss him so much. I'm so sad...hurt....maybe angry.

Why does he have to be gone? Why does he have to leave me her? Before leaving Wat Pa, I whispered to his mom, "Sherry kit teung Taeng." Then she assured me it was only going to be seven days.

Well it does not feel like seven days to me. Edward said it was only seven days. Seven days is not only seven days. This feels like an eternity...an eternity of suffering. The gods must know I deserve this. They must think that justice is done when they take the man I love away from me, and in addition to that, they slow down time.

Why is this happening to me? I know if people know about this, they'd look at me as pathetic. Am I really? I guess I am. I can't even live without him for only seven days. Imagine if it was more, like six months? Well, by the end of six months I will be used to it. I won't even feel the pain anymore, that's what I think anyway. Depends on the circumstances.

Right now all I can think of is that this feeling is bad. I feel like I just had a break up. I want to talk to the man, but I can't, because we've broken up. He's being cold with me, and I know he doesn't want to, but he has to be. I hate how he is being cold with me. I hate it. It hurts so much. I hate  holding back how I feel from him.

Gosh, this hurts so much... Honestly... I feel so positive one minute, and suddenly completely depressed right after. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get rid of all these emotions? What is wrong with me? I must be so spoiled. Why do I have to miss him? Why do I have to end up loving him so much?

This hurts... I wouldn't change anything... I've met him already. And he's the best. The very best. I feel like I'm losing him. I hate the cold.

I keep imagining him like he'll never talk to me like how he used to again. He's not so sweet anymore. He's "just a friend" now. I don't want to be just friends! I want to SCREAM.

I want to cry...again. That's all I ever want to do now. I don't think I've ever cried so many days in a row. I can't even remember how hurt I was on my first break up... But this hurts.

I want comfort. I want warmth. I want love.

I want to cry so much right now... I'm so alone.

Now I'm really crying. I can hardly seen the screen because I'm blinded by the tears. Why do I have to cry? I'm so weak. I wish I was strong.

I hate spending the whole day trying to hold the sadness back. Finally, when I'm alone at night, in bed, I start crying again.

This hurts... I want so much to be with him again. But I can't. I won't ask for him back. I'll let him do what he wants to do. I just want him to be happy.

Oh my gosh... Please... Just let me go already.  You don't deserve me.

Thank you

Thank you for talking to me, for listening to me, and reading to me. Thank you for letting me see your face, even though I don't think I should. Thank you for showing me about your robes. I find it very fascinating, but I don't know if you're supposed to show me that.

I didn't mean to cry in front of you, but part of me wants to. I hate it when I cry because I don't want to make this experience harder for you. I want it to go by as smoothly as possible so you come out with a positive thought when you're done.

I just want to say sorry that I make things hard for you. I know you are a very strong man, inside and out, and your kindness and selflessness makes you even stronger. I believe in you. I know you work hard and put your heart into everything you do for the people you love. Thank you for that.

You inspire me to be a strong person. I need to work on my courage. I want to be brave like you too. Why am I tearing up again?

After we stopped talking, I knew you had to go soon, so I didn't expect you back for a long time. I started looking through Instagram pictures. I have been searching for hashtags of things I was interested in a lot lately. Since last night, I have been searching for "hijab" and "niqab". I don't know why these things fascinate me so much. I kind of admire these women who cover themselves up for Allah. The niqab fascinates me the most. I do think women look beautiful in it. I'm not sure if I could wear something like that, but a crazy thought came in when I looked through those pictures. I thought, "What if I wore this to keep all my beauty only to Sahavatchara? Would he like that?" I think it won't be long until I get bored of it. Like most women in the society we grow up in, I feel the need to show off my beauty and get some attention. I know you don't like me using my beauty to get attention. Do you think I would be any better of a person by being as modest as a Muslim woman? Catholic nuns cover up too, just like a Muslim woman. They do it for faith.

I always imagine what it would be like to cover up like that everyday. No bikinis, no shorts, no short skirts, no tight clothing... These are all the stuff my parents want to see me in... along with a nice bikini body. Showing my legs and the shape of my body seem to be very important to everyone in my family.

I thought about being very modest, and fasting for the rest of this week because you are a monk. I don't know how else to support you. Maybe I could try to stick to only the most healthy foods at least.

A part of me is struggling to figure out how I can take part in this spiritual Buddhist journey with you. It's this part of me that wants to be a part of everything in your life. I want to be involved. I want to show you that I want to be involved, that I am interested in being part of everything you do. Sometimes I just get upset or sad if I get left out of any activity you do. I want to be in this together with you. I know there are a lot of things that I can't do with you, or shouldn't do with you. I just want you to know that I even though so many times it looks like I am so mean, and heartless, and seems like I don't care about your feelings... I do care. I don't know why it's so hard to show you that I care.

I care about you more than anything.

Lonely.

Felt like I should write again. It's getting difficult again, having woken up by my phone ringing. My parents came to pick my aunt up from the house and now I'm all alone.

I knew you were away for evening chants. I hope you're feeling peaceful and relaxed. I'm waiting here, patiently for you, but loneliness is starting to get to me. All I was thinking just now was how much your company fuels my spirits.

I really enjoyed listening to you read to me. I enjoyed all the conversations that we've had for these past couple days. We don't get to talk about such meaningful topics very often. Not hearing everything sounding cute and everything being a joke was nice for a change. But of course, all things in life need to be in moderation. Talking "serious" or "normal" all the time can get dull. I do miss hearing those three powerful words. I miss hearing my name.

Your company makes me feel better. I feel better talking to you. But with you gone, even for a few hours, it's getting hard for me again. I'm trying my best to be patient. I tried to find things to do. I played Lil' Kingdom for a few minutes, but it didn't last long. I've been getting bored easily... with everything. Reading hasn't interested me so much at all lately.

My tears fill up my eyes on and off constantly.

I'm having such a hard time, and I can't concentrate on anything but the thought of wanting you near me.

...and now I'm crying.

We'll end this entry here.

Thank you for reading.

You will always be more than my best friend to me. You are my everything.

At Lucy's now.

I'm at Lucy's now.

Yesterday morning we started out viewing all the pictures I took at your ceremony, and viewed a couple more rounds of the photos from TASC night. To our disappointment, my dad was the last one playing with the newest camera, and he set the picture settings to the smallest resolution, which was made for e-mail attachments. The pictures were way too small. Mommy wanted them all big for viewing on Facebook so last night I had to stay up late and enlarge them by the pixels.

After viewing the pictures and having breakfast, my dad and I watched Breaking Amish. It's about young Amish or Mennonite adults who want to leave their community to see more of the world. They all want to go to New York. They all knew that if they leave, they'll be shunned from the community forever. I admire these people and their courage to break free from their restricted world to follow their dreams. I might be able to relate to this somehow. Marrying the man I love will be sort of a similar experience, I suppose.

When the show was over, my dad wanted to go straight to watching movies. He was gonna watch a Chinese movie, but I delayed it all by starting a new game. Michael Jackson: The Experience was downloading for hours two days ago and I was so excited to be able to start playing it. I bought it because it was such a good price and I knew my mom would love it. It would be another way for us to have cardio fun at home.

I played for at least an hour, and it was seriously an intense cardio workout! I could dance for a long time because the music is great, the moves are great and that makes it super fun. The graphics are pretty neat too.

We ordered pizza for lunch and after lunch, I got to finally show Mommy how to play this game and she loves it! I think she loves the part where there is a score and she is getting high from beating all my scores. I don't know how she does it, but as long as it's keeping her playing, I'm good. I think I want to get another Move controller now. This game is totally worth it. I am also looking into buying another dancing game, maybe Just Dance 3 or 4.

My mom and I played for hours while my dad watched. Kinda bummed Daddy wouldn't play. He keeps saying his legs aren't good. Sigh.

After that, I ended up watching YouTube videos about couples in movies, listening to love songs, and thinking about you. While I was watching a Big Bang music video, my dad started muttering something in his sleep and woke up. He said it was a bad dream.

He described his dream to me:

He was trying to save me, and I was being protected by all these people my age, but he couldn't get to me. He said I kept trying to run away from him. And there were all these bad people around me. He tried to save me but couldn't move. It started making sense when he woke up to find out his legs were crossed.

I patted Daddy gently and said that he was probably worried that I don't love him. I said this trying to assure him that I loved him, but looks like he didn't believe me. He said I still loved Taeng. My spirits started sinking because I knew where this was going.

He told me that every single day when he wakes up, he thinks about how I am still with Taeng. He says every time he sees a wedding, or a couple holding hands, he wishes it for me too. He is frustrated because I still am in love with Taeng. He'll never understand why...

I couldn't say much. I said I wouldn't marry Taeng because he won't let me. My mistake. Sigh... Eventually he got upset enough to give up talking for a while and went out to smoke. He ended up having to help Mommy pick jujubees from the tree in our backyard.

I sat still on the couch for a long time, wanting to cry so much. I went upstairs to turn on some songs to make me feel better, then Mommy came and summoned me out to the backyard to help. It was annoying. I didn't want to be around Daddy, especially after that lecture.

After we were done picking two heavy bags of fruit, it was time for me to shower. I checked my phone and was surprised to see you missed calls on Viber from you. I saw messages from you. I wanted so much to reply, but I didn't want to start talking because I feared doing something I wasn't supposed to. I took my iPad into the bathroom and kneeled down to browse around. To my surprise, I saw your posts on Path. After reading them, I don't know why - I cried. I cried and cried uncontrollably. In a way it felt good. I suppose it was because I saw that you had this heavy chest feeling. That was exactly what I was feeling the night before. Are we really that well-connected?

After what felt like a long time, I finally took a shower, came downstairs and had left over pizza for dinner. I love the Pizza Hut crust.

After dinner, I escaped upstairs with Mommy's phone, telling her I'd upload pics from her phone onto the computer. Daddy started watching the Chinese movie.

I logged into my Windows account on my computer. I saw your messages from GTalk on Raptr. I just couldn't believe it. I was so happy to see you messaged me. We started talking...

I want to say so much to you, but I couldn't because you were a monk. Things are so difficult now. I have to hold back so much. It was hard for me.

I was so happy to be able to see your face on Hangout, but I also felt guilty. I'm not so sure about anything now.

Our conversation ended at 2200. Trying so hard to stay happy and occupied with other things. I ran downstairs to see if the new episode of Breaking Amish was on, but it was already shown at 2100. I really thought it was 2200. Oh well. Maybe I can find it on YouTube.

It's really hard without someone to talk to all the time. Is this how it feels to be single? Being single is probably a lot worse.

I miss having someone to always be there to listen to me talk about my sorrows, my nonsense.

Right before getting in bed to sleep, I sat up, crossed my legs and tried to meditate like you suggested. I wasn't sure what you wanted me to do, but I tried so hard to focus on my breathing and visualize a glowing, warm light starting from the center of my body and growing distally to each one of my limbs and my head. I then visualized all that glowing warm energy flowing out of the top of my head and enveloping you with love and warmth. I guess you could say that was from my Wiccan influence. I wanted to do something good and positive for you. It makes me happy.

I couldn't meditate for long. Everything was extremely difficult. I couldn't concentrate that well. But I tried.

Before going to sleep, I left one picture on my phone and just gazed at it 'til I fell asleep.

Forgive me for posting this. I mean no disrespect.

Struggling through night #2. Let's talk about your ceremony day.

Was it a sign that as I was listening to love songs on YouTube, that a link to Jason Mraz's song, "I Won't Give Up" appeared? I clicked on it and listened just now, and watched as the lyrics materialized at the start of every line of this beautiful song. About a quarter through the song, tears were freely running down my cheeks.

I miss you, and I'm lonely without you, but listening to this song was like listening to your heart sing to me. Out came these tears of happiness. I was happy knowing you love me.

Yesterday, I was panicking when my mom and I left the house. I was so worried about being late because my mom was taking quite a while to be ready to leave. I missed cutting your hair last time when you became a novice, and after finding out that you are the love of my life, I would be forever-guilty if I missed cutting your hair yesterday morning.

I thank you so much for waking me up at 0530. I was so enthusiastic about being there for you, I got my makeup done on time, and got to Wat Pa at exactly 0900. There was no one in sight, so my mom and I tawai sungkatan first. That's when the monk there found out that I was a close friend of yours. He mentioned you were LA Twister. We asked about being able to cut your hair, and the monk said that your hair was probably cut already. My heart sank. How could I have possibly missed it again? Especially now that I want to be a part of everything in your life?

I got your message on GTalk saying you were going to cut your hair now, and that was such a huge relief to me.

People were cutting your hair. I cut your hair. I was so delighted just to be able to hear you talk to me. "Can you cut my bangs? They're annoying me," you said. I felt such honor being able to snip off three sections of your hair. Then I watched you. I was proud of you. You were doing something good for yourself, and for your family, and for us. I was so proud of you. I still am.

(Your dad's photo.)

While you were gone having your head shaved, I was running up and down the stairs in my wedge sandals, carrying food, setting out the napkins, paper plates and fetching buckets and buckets of ice for your mom. I didn't think something like this would have to be so hectic. When I brought this up, Natalie told me that your mom tends to make everything seem hectic.

I was standing around, waiting to find anything I could possibly help your mom with without getting in the way. I felt more like I was getting in the way because there were already other people helping. That's when I thought I'd be more helpful to you by standing within your range of sight. I saw you and smiled inside. Luckily, someone mentioned that it wasn't too late to give food to the monks and nuns, so I quickly scooped up a large amount of rice into a foam bowl to make sure it lasted 'til the very end. I usually run out before I reach the last person. There was no way I was going to run out before reaching you. No way.

I was rushing through, nervously dropping a small amount of rice into every monk's alms bowl. After turning the corner, there you were, sitting there, clad in white, with your head and eyebrows cleanly shaven. I was so nervous, because I'm always nervous inside that room. I gave you some food, as Edward tried his best to snap a pic of me. You looked so straight-faced and serious. I was afraid you were being straight-faced and cold again like last time, but I made myself believe there was nothing but warmth coming from you.

There were a lot of nuns that day. The hard floor was hurting my knees. After I was done, my knees were pretty red. Amazingly, I had leftover rice. I returned the excess back into the large bowl of rice.

For a good amount of time, I watched you sit from a distance, making sure to stand where you didn't have to turn your head too much so it wouldn't be too obvious to anyone else if you wanted to be able to see me.

Natalie commented as she noticed your head turning. "Aw! How cute! He's trying to look at you!"

When it was time to eat, I ate alone at first, and your aunt's mom was wondering why I was sitting all alone. "Don't sit alone," she said in Thai. "Food will taste better if you sit and eat with others."

"That's alright," I said. "I was just sitting here 'cuz I get more of a breeze here."

Natalie later invited me to sit with her, Edward and Charena, and I gladly moved to them. I snatched a tiny bottle of water from the huge bucket of ice-covered water bottles along the way. The one I happened to get wasn't cold, to my disappointment, but drank it anyway. "Here comes the naag," I heard someone say.

And so, there I was, standing proud next to my favorite naag. My very first picture with one. Such a happy feeling, but I was trying not to look too happy since he had to be serious and everything.

The heat that day was awful. It was such a nice thing to be able to wait inside the temple. And there I saw the naag again, sitting at a wall, carefully memorizing his lines. I really, really wanted to take a pic of you, so I came up with both of my cameras. It makes me nervous to get so close to you because I didn't want to do anything wrong. 

Beautiful naag.

Someone said my mom called for me from outside, so I went outside to take pics of everyone around, so I could remember who was there. Mommy said Kru Neung was there, so I went over to say hi to her.

All I could think about was how much I wanted her to know that I loved you. If only I could tell her and everyone else there... I would be so happy if the world knew about my love for you.

Poor you, I saw you rubbing your head all the time. You told me how dry it was. Only when I got home did I think they should have put some moisturizer on your head right after shaving. 

Here is Edward. Of course he'd be there. He is always there for you. You are so lucky to have a best friend like him. He really is a good guy. 

I thought this was a good shot, kinda. Very natural. The monk on the right smiled after he realized I took the picture.

It was time to walk around the temple three times. No one knew how much I really wanted to hold stuff and be in the front. I really thought I was the only one. I was so happy to know that your mom called me over to hold stuff. I really wanted a bigger part of this ceremony because on this day, it was all about you. I just wanted to be a big part of it.

Your grandma is so cute.

I was so happy watching you throw all the little things behind you while everyone scurried around trying to catch it all. Too bad my mom didn't get any shots of that. It was so beautiful to watch. I'm also bummed that we didn't get a shot of you when the men gave you a boost so you could touch the top of the door. Everything you did had a lot of meaning, and that was all I knew.

Then it was about time to watch the final part. We all went inside, and sat down. I was in the very back with Mommy. Mommy said she wanted to go home because we just got a last-minute invite to another Thai party in the evening by her friend, Pom. My mom caved in and decided we were going. I really didn't want to miss this ceremony at all, so my mom said, "Okay, we stay for another thirty minutes."

I'm sure we stayed a lot longer than that.

I really wanted pictures of you because this was a very important day for you. You deserve to have more photos taken so we can all remember this significant day of your life. I was happy to be able to sit next to your parents. I saw your mom crying. I wanted to cry too. I was tearing up as I watched your every move. 

And here are all the nuns behind me.

It can be difficult to sit for long periods of time. I'm sure you understand. Honestly, we couldn't hear anything the monks were saying up there. 

It was so beautiful watching you.

I'll never know what this "fan" is for. Seems to me they always use it for blocking their face out when they chant in front of an audience.

Your very own alms bowl... and an offering of flowers... I was thinking maybe we had these roses because we didn't have lotuses to give.

Now you have donned the saffron robes... You transitioned.

Watching you start your speech made me tear up. I was so happy for you. So proud of you. I was happy being able to support you on this day because this is what you've always wanted.

No doubt Edward got some good pictures. He was a lot more brave than I was when it came to taking pictures. I was too afraid to move anywhere because I was afraid of standing up, walking around and being rude or disrespectful. 

The monk strapped on your alms bowl. It's just so beautiful to watch all this happening to you.

As you walked to the back door, I tried to get a pic of you. That's when Mae Chee said something to me twice or thrice, about me moving to the back. She said something in Thai, then English. "Go to the back and take pictures. Go around the people this way." Her face looked upset, and I thought I heard her say baahp. So I was sure I did something wrong. I crouched and walk along the side wall to the back, confused.

I'm not sure why you had to walk to the back, but I know it was all symbolic.

I snapped a couple pictures of you when I got to the back, but at that point, I started crying, because the last thing I wanted to happen was get scolded by a nun again. I already got scolded on your novice ceremony. My mom saw me cry, and I knew other ladies around me kept looking and saw me cry. No one knew why. I felt so stupid crying there, for something people don't normally cry about. 

When the ceremony was complete, I was relieved to see that it was over. I really wanted to go home, but I was glad to stay long enough to get a picture with you as a monk. 

My mom's friend, Pom asked what was wrong and I told her, so she went to bring Mae Chee over to me and we cleared it all up as a misunderstanding. I still felt pretty stupid. 

I had a lot of mixed feelings when I cried. I cried because I thought I was in trouble. I thought I was being very stupid. I was missing you. I cried because you could no longer be there to comfort me. You had no choice but to be emotionless towards me. I was happy for you, but was also sad when I know you can't give a warm smile to me. It felt like you were so far away, but so close, with an invisible wall between us. 

I wanted to go home because I knew my face looked horrible. Natalie was nice enough to have me be in a picture with you. I was just nervous being near you because I didn't want to do anything wrong. I fear of doing something baahp. 

I was still crying when driving home. When I finally got to my room, I took off my clothes and layed on the bed, flipping through pictures of us on my phone, cried and fell asleep. Mommy kept telling me to stop crying. She didn't know I was crying because I missed you.

A couple hours later, I got dressed again and Daddy got home. We went to the TASC gala dinner. It was their 50th anniversary, apparently. I saw Elnie's mom first thing when we got there. I wai her, but she totally ignored me, with a cell phone on her ear. I saw Tanya, and I know she saw me, but we never acknowledged each other. I saw Elnie later that night and she waved to me and said hi.

There was one pic that we took at Arthur Lertvanich's grandmother's table. Elnie's mom happened to be sitting there. She totally made some angry frowning face, looking away from the camera in that pic. Weird. My parents are totally hating on her. They thought Elnie was nice, but they still think Tanya is mean. They said she is very lai.

I really wished you were there at the party with me. It's okay dancing with my dad, but dancing alone because I'm bored... It's not fun. I was really bored at the party and all I wanted to do was want the party to be over. I wish you could be my date at a Thai party. It would be a dream come true.

Before falling asleep for the night, I flipped through every single picture I had of you on my phone.

You are so beautiful.

Duty of a son in Buddhism

     A day and a half of being a monk. The difference between a monk and novice is that a novice follows 10 rules while a monk follows 227 rules. Being a novice was easier because less is expected of you. Being a monk feels like I have a lot of responsibility and I have to be extra careful about my every action. The first evening as a monk felt like an eternity.

Days before the ceremony: 

       I was given a mentor monk. He turns out to be the most strict monk of the whole temple. I not only had to memorize the six pages, but I was expected to do it like the monks exactly. It was very hard and it made me very nervous. I kept trying to practice, and with the encouraging support from Juntra I felt a lot calmer. I kept messing up words and getting my chants jumbled up. On Friday 09/14/12, I had to go sleep over at the temple. 

Day of the Ceremony:

     I woke up at 5:30 am, called juntra, then went out to help my parents set up. Running up and down stairs carrying heavy things. People started arriving and I was telling them that there was Chinese donuts and coffee. Then I had to start the hair cutting part. I did not see that special person in sight and was slightly worried. Then suddenly I see a elegant bright aura of a woman in bright colors. It gave me a huge smile that moment. Then the monk shaved my head and I changed into white clothes. It was time for lunch, and I was sitting below the monks. I saw my Juntra bring me rice and was happy to get a picture with her. Then during the march around the temple. Juntra was called by my mom to stand in front of the group holding things. The actual ceremony was pretty long and I was corrected a couple time because I got my words mixed up. At the end I saw my parents, my family, and my significant other. I was happy. Later that day I had to do evening chants and an hour of meditation. I could not concentrate because my heart felt heavy and I did not understand why. I wanted to talk to Juntra but did not see her online. An hour of meditation felt like an eternity of nothing. Hot weather, darkness, and the sound of crickets made it even more lonely. However, I am doing this not only for myself but for the people I love and care about. I will keep giving my good karma to them and keep working on making them feel better. 

Created on your request.

I cried. When I got home I cried. I just let it all go.

I created this blog on your request. If you are allowed to write about your experiences during your Buddhist journey, I would more than love to read every single word of it.

I could never forget about you. I could never, ever.

May you find peace during your time at Wat Pa.