Thank you

Thank you for talking to me, for listening to me, and reading to me. Thank you for letting me see your face, even though I don't think I should. Thank you for showing me about your robes. I find it very fascinating, but I don't know if you're supposed to show me that.

I didn't mean to cry in front of you, but part of me wants to. I hate it when I cry because I don't want to make this experience harder for you. I want it to go by as smoothly as possible so you come out with a positive thought when you're done.

I just want to say sorry that I make things hard for you. I know you are a very strong man, inside and out, and your kindness and selflessness makes you even stronger. I believe in you. I know you work hard and put your heart into everything you do for the people you love. Thank you for that.

You inspire me to be a strong person. I need to work on my courage. I want to be brave like you too. Why am I tearing up again?

After we stopped talking, I knew you had to go soon, so I didn't expect you back for a long time. I started looking through Instagram pictures. I have been searching for hashtags of things I was interested in a lot lately. Since last night, I have been searching for "hijab" and "niqab". I don't know why these things fascinate me so much. I kind of admire these women who cover themselves up for Allah. The niqab fascinates me the most. I do think women look beautiful in it. I'm not sure if I could wear something like that, but a crazy thought came in when I looked through those pictures. I thought, "What if I wore this to keep all my beauty only to Sahavatchara? Would he like that?" I think it won't be long until I get bored of it. Like most women in the society we grow up in, I feel the need to show off my beauty and get some attention. I know you don't like me using my beauty to get attention. Do you think I would be any better of a person by being as modest as a Muslim woman? Catholic nuns cover up too, just like a Muslim woman. They do it for faith.

I always imagine what it would be like to cover up like that everyday. No bikinis, no shorts, no short skirts, no tight clothing... These are all the stuff my parents want to see me in... along with a nice bikini body. Showing my legs and the shape of my body seem to be very important to everyone in my family.

I thought about being very modest, and fasting for the rest of this week because you are a monk. I don't know how else to support you. Maybe I could try to stick to only the most healthy foods at least.

A part of me is struggling to figure out how I can take part in this spiritual Buddhist journey with you. It's this part of me that wants to be a part of everything in your life. I want to be involved. I want to show you that I want to be involved, that I am interested in being part of everything you do. Sometimes I just get upset or sad if I get left out of any activity you do. I want to be in this together with you. I know there are a lot of things that I can't do with you, or shouldn't do with you. I just want you to know that I even though so many times it looks like I am so mean, and heartless, and seems like I don't care about your feelings... I do care. I don't know why it's so hard to show you that I care.

I care about you more than anything.