Yesterday morning we started out viewing all the pictures I took at your ceremony, and viewed a couple more rounds of the photos from TASC night. To our disappointment, my dad was the last one playing with the newest camera, and he set the picture settings to the smallest resolution, which was made for e-mail attachments. The pictures were way too small. Mommy wanted them all big for viewing on Facebook so last night I had to stay up late and enlarge them by the pixels.
After viewing the pictures and having breakfast, my dad and I watched Breaking Amish. It's about young Amish or Mennonite adults who want to leave their community to see more of the world. They all want to go to New York. They all knew that if they leave, they'll be shunned from the community forever. I admire these people and their courage to break free from their restricted world to follow their dreams. I might be able to relate to this somehow. Marrying the man I love will be sort of a similar experience, I suppose.
When the show was over, my dad wanted to go straight to watching movies. He was gonna watch a Chinese movie, but I delayed it all by starting a new game. Michael Jackson: The Experience was downloading for hours two days ago and I was so excited to be able to start playing it. I bought it because it was such a good price and I knew my mom would love it. It would be another way for us to have cardio fun at home.
I played for at least an hour, and it was seriously an intense cardio workout! I could dance for a long time because the music is great, the moves are great and that makes it super fun. The graphics are pretty neat too.
We ordered pizza for lunch and after lunch, I got to finally show Mommy how to play this game and she loves it! I think she loves the part where there is a score and she is getting high from beating all my scores. I don't know how she does it, but as long as it's keeping her playing, I'm good. I think I want to get another Move controller now. This game is totally worth it. I am also looking into buying another dancing game, maybe Just Dance 3 or 4.
My mom and I played for hours while my dad watched. Kinda bummed Daddy wouldn't play. He keeps saying his legs aren't good. Sigh.
After that, I ended up watching YouTube videos about couples in movies, listening to love songs, and thinking about you. While I was watching a Big Bang music video, my dad started muttering something in his sleep and woke up. He said it was a bad dream.
He described his dream to me:
He was trying to save me, and I was being protected by all these people my age, but he couldn't get to me. He said I kept trying to run away from him. And there were all these bad people around me. He tried to save me but couldn't move. It started making sense when he woke up to find out his legs were crossed.
I patted Daddy gently and said that he was probably worried that I don't love him. I said this trying to assure him that I loved him, but looks like he didn't believe me. He said I still loved Taeng. My spirits started sinking because I knew where this was going.
He told me that every single day when he wakes up, he thinks about how I am still with Taeng. He says every time he sees a wedding, or a couple holding hands, he wishes it for me too. He is frustrated because I still am in love with Taeng. He'll never understand why...
I couldn't say much. I said I wouldn't marry Taeng because he won't let me. My mistake. Sigh... Eventually he got upset enough to give up talking for a while and went out to smoke. He ended up having to help Mommy pick jujubees from the tree in our backyard.
I sat still on the couch for a long time, wanting to cry so much. I went upstairs to turn on some songs to make me feel better, then Mommy came and summoned me out to the backyard to help. It was annoying. I didn't want to be around Daddy, especially after that lecture.
After we were done picking two heavy bags of fruit, it was time for me to shower. I checked my phone and was surprised to see you missed calls on Viber from you. I saw messages from you. I wanted so much to reply, but I didn't want to start talking because I feared doing something I wasn't supposed to. I took my iPad into the bathroom and kneeled down to browse around. To my surprise, I saw your posts on Path. After reading them, I don't know why - I cried. I cried and cried uncontrollably. In a way it felt good. I suppose it was because I saw that you had this heavy chest feeling. That was exactly what I was feeling the night before. Are we really that well-connected?
After what felt like a long time, I finally took a shower, came downstairs and had left over pizza for dinner. I love the Pizza Hut crust.
After dinner, I escaped upstairs with Mommy's phone, telling her I'd upload pics from her phone onto the computer. Daddy started watching the Chinese movie.
I logged into my Windows account on my computer. I saw your messages from GTalk on Raptr. I just couldn't believe it. I was so happy to see you messaged me. We started talking...
I want to say so much to you, but I couldn't because you were a monk. Things are so difficult now. I have to hold back so much. It was hard for me.
I was so happy to be able to see your face on Hangout, but I also felt guilty. I'm not so sure about anything now.
Our conversation ended at 2200. Trying so hard to stay happy and occupied with other things. I ran downstairs to see if the new episode of Breaking Amish was on, but it was already shown at 2100. I really thought it was 2200. Oh well. Maybe I can find it on YouTube.
It's really hard without someone to talk to all the time. Is this how it feels to be single? Being single is probably a lot worse.
I miss having someone to always be there to listen to me talk about my sorrows, my nonsense.
Right before getting in bed to sleep, I sat up, crossed my legs and tried to meditate like you suggested. I wasn't sure what you wanted me to do, but I tried so hard to focus on my breathing and visualize a glowing, warm light starting from the center of my body and growing distally to each one of my limbs and my head. I then visualized all that glowing warm energy flowing out of the top of my head and enveloping you with love and warmth. I guess you could say that was from my Wiccan influence. I wanted to do something good and positive for you. It makes me happy.
I couldn't meditate for long. Everything was extremely difficult. I couldn't concentrate that well. But I tried.
Before going to sleep, I left one picture on my phone and just gazed at it 'til I fell asleep.
Forgive me for posting this. I mean no disrespect.
Thank you, I will post more soon
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