I miss you, and I'm lonely without you, but listening to this song was like listening to your heart sing to me. Out came these tears of happiness. I was happy knowing you love me.
Yesterday, I was panicking when my mom and I left the house. I was so worried about being late because my mom was taking quite a while to be ready to leave. I missed cutting your hair last time when you became a novice, and after finding out that you are the love of my life, I would be forever-guilty if I missed cutting your hair yesterday morning.
I thank you so much for waking me up at 0530. I was so enthusiastic about being there for you, I got my makeup done on time, and got to Wat Pa at exactly 0900. There was no one in sight, so my mom and I tawai sungkatan first. That's when the monk there found out that I was a close friend of yours. He mentioned you were LA Twister. We asked about being able to cut your hair, and the monk said that your hair was probably cut already. My heart sank. How could I have possibly missed it again? Especially now that I want to be a part of everything in your life?
I got your message on GTalk saying you were going to cut your hair now, and that was such a huge relief to me.
People were cutting your hair. I cut your hair. I was so delighted just to be able to hear you talk to me. "Can you cut my bangs? They're annoying me," you said. I felt such honor being able to snip off three sections of your hair. Then I watched you. I was proud of you. You were doing something good for yourself, and for your family, and for us. I was so proud of you. I still am.
(Your dad's photo.)
While you were gone having your head shaved, I was running up and down the stairs in my wedge sandals, carrying food, setting out the napkins, paper plates and fetching buckets and buckets of ice for your mom. I didn't think something like this would have to be so hectic. When I brought this up, Natalie told me that your mom tends to make everything seem hectic.
I was standing around, waiting to find anything I could possibly help your mom with without getting in the way. I felt more like I was getting in the way because there were already other people helping. That's when I thought I'd be more helpful to you by standing within your range of sight. I saw you and smiled inside. Luckily, someone mentioned that it wasn't too late to give food to the monks and nuns, so I quickly scooped up a large amount of rice into a foam bowl to make sure it lasted 'til the very end. I usually run out before I reach the last person. There was no way I was going to run out before reaching you. No way.
I was rushing through, nervously dropping a small amount of rice into every monk's alms bowl. After turning the corner, there you were, sitting there, clad in white, with your head and eyebrows cleanly shaven. I was so nervous, because I'm always nervous inside that room. I gave you some food, as Edward tried his best to snap a pic of me. You looked so straight-faced and serious. I was afraid you were being straight-faced and cold again like last time, but I made myself believe there was nothing but warmth coming from you.
There were a lot of nuns that day. The hard floor was hurting my knees. After I was done, my knees were pretty red. Amazingly, I had leftover rice. I returned the excess back into the large bowl of rice.
For a good amount of time, I watched you sit from a distance, making sure to stand where you didn't have to turn your head too much so it wouldn't be too obvious to anyone else if you wanted to be able to see me.
Natalie commented as she noticed your head turning. "Aw! How cute! He's trying to look at you!"
When it was time to eat, I ate alone at first, and your aunt's mom was wondering why I was sitting all alone. "Don't sit alone," she said in Thai. "Food will taste better if you sit and eat with others."
"That's alright," I said. "I was just sitting here 'cuz I get more of a breeze here."
Natalie later invited me to sit with her, Edward and Charena, and I gladly moved to them. I snatched a tiny bottle of water from the huge bucket of ice-covered water bottles along the way. The one I happened to get wasn't cold, to my disappointment, but drank it anyway. "Here comes the naag," I heard someone say.
And so, there I was, standing proud next to my favorite naag. My very first picture with one. Such a happy feeling, but I was trying not to look too happy since he had to be serious and everything.
The heat that day was awful. It was such a nice thing to be able to wait inside the temple. And there I saw the naag again, sitting at a wall, carefully memorizing his lines. I really, really wanted to take a pic of you, so I came up with both of my cameras. It makes me nervous to get so close to you because I didn't want to do anything wrong.
Beautiful naag.
Someone said my mom called for me from outside, so I went outside to take pics of everyone around, so I could remember who was there. Mommy said Kru Neung was there, so I went over to say hi to her.
All I could think about was how much I wanted her to know that I loved you. If only I could tell her and everyone else there... I would be so happy if the world knew about my love for you.
Poor you, I saw you rubbing your head all the time. You told me how dry it was. Only when I got home did I think they should have put some moisturizer on your head right after shaving.
Here is Edward. Of course he'd be there. He is always there for you. You are so lucky to have a best friend like him. He really is a good guy.
I thought this was a good shot, kinda. Very natural. The monk on the right smiled after he realized I took the picture.
It was time to walk around the temple three times. No one knew how much I really wanted to hold stuff and be in the front. I really thought I was the only one. I was so happy to know that your mom called me over to hold stuff. I really wanted a bigger part of this ceremony because on this day, it was all about you. I just wanted to be a big part of it.
Your grandma is so cute.
I was so happy watching you throw all the little things behind you while everyone scurried around trying to catch it all. Too bad my mom didn't get any shots of that. It was so beautiful to watch. I'm also bummed that we didn't get a shot of you when the men gave you a boost so you could touch the top of the door. Everything you did had a lot of meaning, and that was all I knew.
Then it was about time to watch the final part. We all went inside, and sat down. I was in the very back with Mommy. Mommy said she wanted to go home because we just got a last-minute invite to another Thai party in the evening by her friend, Pom. My mom caved in and decided we were going. I really didn't want to miss this ceremony at all, so my mom said, "Okay, we stay for another thirty minutes."
I'm sure we stayed a lot longer than that.
I really wanted pictures of you because this was a very important day for you. You deserve to have more photos taken so we can all remember this significant day of your life. I was happy to be able to sit next to your parents. I saw your mom crying. I wanted to cry too. I was tearing up as I watched your every move.
And here are all the nuns behind me.
It can be difficult to sit for long periods of time. I'm sure you understand. Honestly, we couldn't hear anything the monks were saying up there.
It was so beautiful watching you.
I'll never know what this "fan" is for. Seems to me they always use it for blocking their face out when they chant in front of an audience.
Your very own alms bowl... and an offering of flowers... I was thinking maybe we had these roses because we didn't have lotuses to give.
Now you have donned the saffron robes... You transitioned.
Watching you start your speech made me tear up. I was so happy for you. So proud of you. I was happy being able to support you on this day because this is what you've always wanted.
No doubt Edward got some good pictures. He was a lot more brave than I was when it came to taking pictures. I was too afraid to move anywhere because I was afraid of standing up, walking around and being rude or disrespectful.
The monk strapped on your alms bowl. It's just so beautiful to watch all this happening to you.
As you walked to the back door, I tried to get a pic of you. That's when Mae Chee said something to me twice or thrice, about me moving to the back. She said something in Thai, then English. "Go to the back and take pictures. Go around the people this way." Her face looked upset, and I thought I heard her say baahp. So I was sure I did something wrong. I crouched and walk along the side wall to the back, confused.
I'm not sure why you had to walk to the back, but I know it was all symbolic.
I snapped a couple pictures of you when I got to the back, but at that point, I started crying, because the last thing I wanted to happen was get scolded by a nun again. I already got scolded on your novice ceremony. My mom saw me cry, and I knew other ladies around me kept looking and saw me cry. No one knew why. I felt so stupid crying there, for something people don't normally cry about.
When the ceremony was complete, I was relieved to see that it was over. I really wanted to go home, but I was glad to stay long enough to get a picture with you as a monk.
My mom's friend, Pom asked what was wrong and I told her, so she went to bring Mae Chee over to me and we cleared it all up as a misunderstanding. I still felt pretty stupid.
I had a lot of mixed feelings when I cried. I cried because I thought I was in trouble. I thought I was being very stupid. I was missing you. I cried because you could no longer be there to comfort me. You had no choice but to be emotionless towards me. I was happy for you, but was also sad when I know you can't give a warm smile to me. It felt like you were so far away, but so close, with an invisible wall between us.
I wanted to go home because I knew my face looked horrible. Natalie was nice enough to have me be in a picture with you. I was just nervous being near you because I didn't want to do anything wrong. I fear of doing something baahp.
I was still crying when driving home. When I finally got to my room, I took off my clothes and layed on the bed, flipping through pictures of us on my phone, cried and fell asleep. Mommy kept telling me to stop crying. She didn't know I was crying because I missed you.
A couple hours later, I got dressed again and Daddy got home. We went to the TASC gala dinner. It was their 50th anniversary, apparently. I saw Elnie's mom first thing when we got there. I wai her, but she totally ignored me, with a cell phone on her ear. I saw Tanya, and I know she saw me, but we never acknowledged each other. I saw Elnie later that night and she waved to me and said hi.
There was one pic that we took at Arthur Lertvanich's grandmother's table. Elnie's mom happened to be sitting there. She totally made some angry frowning face, looking away from the camera in that pic. Weird. My parents are totally hating on her. They thought Elnie was nice, but they still think Tanya is mean. They said she is very lai.
I really wished you were there at the party with me. It's okay dancing with my dad, but dancing alone because I'm bored... It's not fun. I was really bored at the party and all I wanted to do was want the party to be over. I wish you could be my date at a Thai party. It would be a dream come true.
Before falling asleep for the night, I flipped through every single picture I had of you on my phone.
You are so beautiful.
That was amazing entry
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